A love letter to my future partner

To my future life partner,

I don’t know what to call you.  I don’t know that we’ll get married- the idea scares me.  No, the idea of divorce scares me.  The idea of being unhappily, legally bound to someone scares me the most.  Maybe we’ll have a huge wedding, with all the fabulous trappings.  You’ll look amazing in your tux and we’ll wear matching ear-to-ear grins.  Maybe we’ll just be commonlaw, our lives tangled together forever.  Regarldess, I’ll promise myself to you and you to me. 

We’ll have wonderful adventures; sometimes together, sometimes separate.  I like to have time and space to explore.  I hope you want the same.  I’ll miss you horribly, and I’ll be a little jealous of your adventures, but I won’t begrudge your urges to fly solo.   Besides, we’ll have reuniting to look forward to, and everyone knows that’s the best part. As long as we miss each other, everything will be ok.  It doesn’t matter if I’m scaling a mountain or laying by the beach, I’ll describe it to you in painstaking detail and promise you would’ve loved it.

I hope we have things in common.  There are a few non-negotiable social justice things we’d have to agree on.  I hope we have similar outlooks on life.  But I hope we’re different enough that we can teach each other all kinds of things.   I hope every day is a new adventure.

I have quirks.  I get lost in books, sometimes until the wee hours of the morning.  I may wake up in tears, mourning the loss of a fictional childhood, a fictional mother, sister, brother, child...my companions.  I am anal about where things belong in the kitchen.  I am a literal cookie monster.  I like to drink and mosh and crowdsurf and  I’ve traveled the world to see live music.  There are metal shirts stacked to my ceiling and I still buy more.  At the end of the day, I’m a work-aholic too.  I have weird priorities I guess.  I can’t sit still and I rarely watch movies.  I once told a boy I’m more moody than outright crazy, but if you can keep up, I promise to be your best friend.  I’ve got ears for listening, hands for baking cookies and shoulders to cry on.

A lot of people will come into our lives.  I consider myself lucky enough to have a wonderful circle of friends- men and women- that extends around the globe.   I love them all fiercely, but I will always love you the most.   I want to make everyone happy and save the world.  Sometimes you will suffer because of this.  I hope you can understand- sometimes you’ll suffer because I know you can bear it.  You’re the kind of person who knows that other people have bigger needs and need the extra love. 

There are lots of nights we’ll sit around and snuggle on the couch.  I can be a real homebody.  I hope we spend many nights, legs intertwined, reading on the couch.  Or in bed.  I’ll lean over and kiss you from time to time.  I hope you’ll do the same.  I hope we cook together and talk about our days.  I want to surprise you with special little things that remind me of you.

There’s nothing more beautiful to me than sharing a bed with someone every night.  I’ll hold your hands, hold your body close to me and tell you I love you.  Every night.  I’ll kiss your earlobes and eyelids and your fingertips…all of those places that no one notices but that compose you. 

I promise to love you always, faithfully, deeply and passionately.

I hope you return the expression.

xxoo
Lindsey

Can't Sleep Anymore

I already can't sleep because my bed is a gulf without you in it.

I made a real effort to get on a normal schedule and I had a horrible dream that you hurt me.  You didn't do it on purpose.  I can't be angry with you for the things you do now.  You can do whatever you want.

It's stupid and selfish and irrational and I hate it.

But I still love you.  I still miss you.

Remember all those nights I slept on the couch because we were fighting about the move?  I regret every single one.  If I would've known I couldn't sleep without you, I would've hugged you tightly every night no matter how angry I was.  Even though you were breaking my heart, I would've hugged you and kissed you and thrown my arms around you every single night.  

I don't know how to get over you.  I try not to talk to you, but I miss you.  You were my best and closest friend.  You read me like a book, knew all my secrets and knew every time I was full of shit.

We were together almost my whole...adulthood. Four and a half years.  Everyone, including us, thought we'd go the distance and be together forever.  We talked about marriage.  If I hated you, it'd be so much easier.  We only has the misfortune of being at a crossroads in our lives.  You're 30, you have ideas about how your life should be.  You've worked and lived.  I've just finished grad school and I'm just starting.  We've both had opportunities the other hasn't.

I miss you.
I can't sleep yet.