We talk about our break ups and our relationships. Just chats about dating and the opposite (or the same) sex- getting stiffed, stood up, misled, falling in like- all of it. It's great- the camaraderie is amazing. We keep each other in check. But sometimes these friendships rip my heart open more than anything else. When shit's bad, when I'm feeling down, I turn to the same circle and end up repeating myself over and over.
Every single time, I can literally feel my heart crying out. Stop, please, not again.
Every single time, I can literally feel my heart crying out. Stop, please, not again.
My ex is moving on. Every now and again, we'll reassure each other "you always belong to me, you are my heart." While I believe this to be true to some extent, it doesn't make it less painful to see him chasing after women- some of them, my friends. Posting little cutesy faces on their pictures. Posting pictures of him with many different women. It still hurts.
Again, it's not to say I live in some man-free bubble. Although self-imposed celibacy may be my current lifestyle...well, I haven't been lacking in company.
But, that's not the point. I thought my ex was THE ONE. We were together almost my whole adult life. I thought if any person on the planet would go to the ends of the earth for me (and me for him), it would be him. We planned to spend our lives together. But when I had the most to gain from new opportunities- he wasn't there for me. He chose to anchor himself to a dying city, a dying industry...to move back in with family, rather than to go to the ends of the earth for me when I needed him the most.
I lost more than a boyfriend, I love my best friend. And...in doing so, I just wonder how I could ever find someone I was so compatible with again? Do I want to kiss a lot of frogs, so to speak? Does that person even exist? Will I settle? Do I even want another relationship?
I know I'm young, and I know my shit work situation is making all this more readily felt...but damn, I don't want to hurt this badly for this long ever again.
I lost more than a boyfriend, I love my best friend. And...in doing so, I just wonder how I could ever find someone I was so compatible with again? Do I want to kiss a lot of frogs, so to speak? Does that person even exist? Will I settle? Do I even want another relationship?
I know I'm young, and I know my shit work situation is making all this more readily felt...but damn, I don't want to hurt this badly for this long ever again.
