I already can't sleep because my bed is a gulf without you in it.
I made a real effort to get on a normal schedule and I had a horrible dream that you hurt me. You didn't do it on purpose. I can't be angry with you for the things you do now. You can do whatever you want.
It's stupid and selfish and irrational and I hate it.
But I still love you. I still miss you.
Remember all those nights I slept on the couch because we were fighting about the move? I regret every single one. If I would've known I couldn't sleep without you, I would've hugged you tightly every night no matter how angry I was. Even though you were breaking my heart, I would've hugged you and kissed you and thrown my arms around you every single night.
I don't know how to get over you. I try not to talk to you, but I miss you. You were my best and closest friend. You read me like a book, knew all my secrets and knew every time I was full of shit.
We were together almost my whole...adulthood. Four and a half years. Everyone, including us, thought we'd go the distance and be together forever. We talked about marriage. If I hated you, it'd be so much easier. We only has the misfortune of being at a crossroads in our lives. You're 30, you have ideas about how your life should be. You've worked and lived. I've just finished grad school and I'm just starting. We've both had opportunities the other hasn't.
I miss you.
I can't sleep yet.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Ploits of a Single City Girl
This title is a bold faced lie. I haven't had any exploits. I've barely had any...ploits. I'm sitting awake at 2 AM listening to 3 Libras by A Perfect Circle on repeat. Ok, its 3 am and now I'm playing Agents of Oblivion. (330a and playing Alcest) Slow sad songs for slow sad folks. That's as wild as my life has been. Ok, it's been a little more wild, I suppose, but that's more through circumstance than my own doing. When my life is exciting, it's because my friends are coming through on tour or because my normal friends are chasing happy hours- not because I am doing anything particularly fascinating.
That said, I haven't been single in...4 and a half years? It's weird ending a relationship of that length for a number of reasons. One of the most difficult parts of this ordeal- who am I kidding- there are two noticeable difficulties. One is that I haven't slept since I've been here. I bought this big amazing bed when I moved here and it seems so empty. It's the most cliched thing ever. Total romance movie bullshit, but it's true. After sharing a bed with someone for over two years, my queen bed seems like an un-cross-able canyon. No matter where on that stupid thing I sleep, there's so much empty space around me. I spent a good chunk of cash on that bed and its like sleeping on a cloud- but I can only sleep there when I stay away to the point of sheer exhaustion. I've moved onto the couch. It's supposed to help after break ups, I guess. I'm not sure if it helps. So far it just assures I wake up mad early, since my east-facing windows make every inch of my house brighter than the sun by 7 am. The second thing is that I have become this feelings monster. Every emotion is right there, on the surface. I cried at Paganfest. Literal tears rolled down my cheeks in a room full of sweaty happy drunk strangers. I cried more when I realized I was the only person who wasn't happy to be there. I've never felt so lonely in a room full of people. That night ended in chaos- sometime around 7 am when I finally got home. Normally, I'd just tell Dan whatever I was feeling. He took everything in stride. Now I end up blathering on to near strangers in this strange verbal diarrhea fashion. Before I realize what I've done, I've told a perfectly lovely stranger all about how I don't sleep because my bed is empty. Now that's a pick up line! It's no wonder the boys are not lining up- as if I even know what the fuck I'd want to give them and want from them.
Ugh. Ugggggggggggggh. It's almost mortifying. If a handful of wonderful people didn't put up with it, I probably would've lost my mind already. I can already see people lose their patience with me though. Texts get returned more and more slowly until they're not returned for days at a time. Plans get broken. I can hear it in people's voices- what was the sort of cute and tolerable quirk of a heartbroken girl has become an uncomfortable death rattle. I get it. And I'm sorry for dragging you all into my personal life. I need to get a grip. I know. I'm trying. No one said it would be easy. Even when I don't talk about Dan, I can feel people getting sick of me. It's like I forgot how to socialize. I'm out of my element. I think I misjudged my ability to bounce. In the last few months, when we knew it was coming to an end, part of me became hardened because it was the only way I could exist in the same space as Dan, knowing it would end and not literally losing my shit every day. After the move, I survived on hardness for two weeks. When I learned he was pursuing someone new ("Not to replace you, never to replace you"), it ripped the wound clean open. We're not talking a teeny papercut-sized scab, we're talking...when my friend broke his leg and the bone pushed through the skin? Yeah, a scab like that. When the wound was opened, everything came out. Months- almost a year- of repressed sadness has come pouring out like a flood. I suppose it's good to know my feelings for Dan were genuine and deep and meaningful, but I wish I could make it stop. I've always been an emotional person, but I can't function every day when it feels like my heart is going to burst. More often than not, I don't function.
In some sense, I've turned to going to shows and social drinking. I've always been big on going to shows, of course. My normal friends here chase happy hours and have weekend whiskey punches- habits I denied myself throughout graduate school- so that's new. Plus, a lot of friends have come through on tour, and what's friendship without a few drinks? Drinking doesn't really solve anything. It kills time and temporarily makes me forget, but the hangovers suck and recovery days are boring alone. On the plus side, and I guess this is where this post takes an amusing turn...I certainly have created a new "dealbreakers" list.
I guess dealbreakers is a bad term- it's not like I'm looking for a new significant other. I'm not. I'm not looking for anything in particular. Perhaps a mutual adventure companion. Someone who likes fun and sillyness and eating a lot of food. This is proving to be difficult to find.
I am a magnet for men that...I don't even know how to put it. I guess that sounds vain, but bear with me. A disproportionate amount of the time, men over the age of 40 hit on me. I guess that's nice, but when a man is old enough to be my father, my interest wanes. I have a lot of friends in their 40s, but they never approached me by saying things like "Now, I know I'm a bit older than you..." or my personal favorite "I could be your dad you know." Nothing gets a woman going like a much older man desperately jamming that "Daddy Issues" button. I am a big hit with the over 40 crowd. There are some things I like about friendships with people older than me; they take my weird-mean sense of humor in stride, they don't give a fuck about mundane bullshit and they usually have their shit more or less together in a way people my age (including me) do not. Dealbreaker #1: Men old enough to be my dad. Sorry guys.
I personally have a thing for long haired pretty dudes. More often than not, I meet a beautiful guy in a band and...well nothing. Dealbreaker #2: No touring musicians. It's a good rule, it's a practical rule and it's one I intend to keep.
The rest is a mixed bag. I dated an insanely jealous and manipulative human once before, and I have no intention of doing it again. Therefore Sir Clingy Flincher, who flinches every time I mention a male friend's name is out. Doubly out for getting annoyed that I couldn't hang out because I had previous plans with a (male) friend. I'm not an adventurous eater- I'm even a little picky- but I am not afraid of trying new things. So, King Nugget, who proudly proclaimed to only eat chicken fingers and pizza has got to be out. I mean really- where do you take this person?! I am really at a loss. Dealbreaker #3: Cannot eat like a child. Weird food quirks are a kind of crazy that should be spread out over time, with the rest of your crazy business.
It hasn't been all bad for sure. There are a few people who's company I truly enjoy. I've clung to them in a way that I think is overwhelming. I shouldn't, it's awful and desperate and I know it. I'm sitting here with no job, very few friends who have time for me and a huge hole in my heart. I just try to make it through each day. I enjoy my own company generally, but right now my own company is demons. When I try to talk to old friends- who knew me before, during and after Dan- tell me to get over it, since I knew it was coming I should be fine, right? They mean well, but its not particularly helpful. I'm going to lose all my new friends if I can't get a grip on...myself. Everything. No one wants to fix a near-stranger and it's not their job. They have lives and relationships and...entire ways of existing that don't involve me at all. If they're not craftswo/men, they certainly don't want some project.
I just need to figure out how to get ahold of myself. My new job is supposed to start in two weeks, which should help. I just hope I don't drive everyone away before then.
Damn, what is my problem?
That said, I haven't been single in...4 and a half years? It's weird ending a relationship of that length for a number of reasons. One of the most difficult parts of this ordeal- who am I kidding- there are two noticeable difficulties. One is that I haven't slept since I've been here. I bought this big amazing bed when I moved here and it seems so empty. It's the most cliched thing ever. Total romance movie bullshit, but it's true. After sharing a bed with someone for over two years, my queen bed seems like an un-cross-able canyon. No matter where on that stupid thing I sleep, there's so much empty space around me. I spent a good chunk of cash on that bed and its like sleeping on a cloud- but I can only sleep there when I stay away to the point of sheer exhaustion. I've moved onto the couch. It's supposed to help after break ups, I guess. I'm not sure if it helps. So far it just assures I wake up mad early, since my east-facing windows make every inch of my house brighter than the sun by 7 am. The second thing is that I have become this feelings monster. Every emotion is right there, on the surface. I cried at Paganfest. Literal tears rolled down my cheeks in a room full of sweaty happy drunk strangers. I cried more when I realized I was the only person who wasn't happy to be there. I've never felt so lonely in a room full of people. That night ended in chaos- sometime around 7 am when I finally got home. Normally, I'd just tell Dan whatever I was feeling. He took everything in stride. Now I end up blathering on to near strangers in this strange verbal diarrhea fashion. Before I realize what I've done, I've told a perfectly lovely stranger all about how I don't sleep because my bed is empty. Now that's a pick up line! It's no wonder the boys are not lining up- as if I even know what the fuck I'd want to give them and want from them.
Ugh. Ugggggggggggggh. It's almost mortifying. If a handful of wonderful people didn't put up with it, I probably would've lost my mind already. I can already see people lose their patience with me though. Texts get returned more and more slowly until they're not returned for days at a time. Plans get broken. I can hear it in people's voices- what was the sort of cute and tolerable quirk of a heartbroken girl has become an uncomfortable death rattle. I get it. And I'm sorry for dragging you all into my personal life. I need to get a grip. I know. I'm trying. No one said it would be easy. Even when I don't talk about Dan, I can feel people getting sick of me. It's like I forgot how to socialize. I'm out of my element. I think I misjudged my ability to bounce. In the last few months, when we knew it was coming to an end, part of me became hardened because it was the only way I could exist in the same space as Dan, knowing it would end and not literally losing my shit every day. After the move, I survived on hardness for two weeks. When I learned he was pursuing someone new ("Not to replace you, never to replace you"), it ripped the wound clean open. We're not talking a teeny papercut-sized scab, we're talking...when my friend broke his leg and the bone pushed through the skin? Yeah, a scab like that. When the wound was opened, everything came out. Months- almost a year- of repressed sadness has come pouring out like a flood. I suppose it's good to know my feelings for Dan were genuine and deep and meaningful, but I wish I could make it stop. I've always been an emotional person, but I can't function every day when it feels like my heart is going to burst. More often than not, I don't function.
In some sense, I've turned to going to shows and social drinking. I've always been big on going to shows, of course. My normal friends here chase happy hours and have weekend whiskey punches- habits I denied myself throughout graduate school- so that's new. Plus, a lot of friends have come through on tour, and what's friendship without a few drinks? Drinking doesn't really solve anything. It kills time and temporarily makes me forget, but the hangovers suck and recovery days are boring alone. On the plus side, and I guess this is where this post takes an amusing turn...I certainly have created a new "dealbreakers" list.
I guess dealbreakers is a bad term- it's not like I'm looking for a new significant other. I'm not. I'm not looking for anything in particular. Perhaps a mutual adventure companion. Someone who likes fun and sillyness and eating a lot of food. This is proving to be difficult to find.
I am a magnet for men that...I don't even know how to put it. I guess that sounds vain, but bear with me. A disproportionate amount of the time, men over the age of 40 hit on me. I guess that's nice, but when a man is old enough to be my father, my interest wanes. I have a lot of friends in their 40s, but they never approached me by saying things like "Now, I know I'm a bit older than you..." or my personal favorite "I could be your dad you know." Nothing gets a woman going like a much older man desperately jamming that "Daddy Issues" button. I am a big hit with the over 40 crowd. There are some things I like about friendships with people older than me; they take my weird-mean sense of humor in stride, they don't give a fuck about mundane bullshit and they usually have their shit more or less together in a way people my age (including me) do not. Dealbreaker #1: Men old enough to be my dad. Sorry guys.
I personally have a thing for long haired pretty dudes. More often than not, I meet a beautiful guy in a band and...well nothing. Dealbreaker #2: No touring musicians. It's a good rule, it's a practical rule and it's one I intend to keep.
The rest is a mixed bag. I dated an insanely jealous and manipulative human once before, and I have no intention of doing it again. Therefore Sir Clingy Flincher, who flinches every time I mention a male friend's name is out. Doubly out for getting annoyed that I couldn't hang out because I had previous plans with a (male) friend. I'm not an adventurous eater- I'm even a little picky- but I am not afraid of trying new things. So, King Nugget, who proudly proclaimed to only eat chicken fingers and pizza has got to be out. I mean really- where do you take this person?! I am really at a loss. Dealbreaker #3: Cannot eat like a child. Weird food quirks are a kind of crazy that should be spread out over time, with the rest of your crazy business.
It hasn't been all bad for sure. There are a few people who's company I truly enjoy. I've clung to them in a way that I think is overwhelming. I shouldn't, it's awful and desperate and I know it. I'm sitting here with no job, very few friends who have time for me and a huge hole in my heart. I just try to make it through each day. I enjoy my own company generally, but right now my own company is demons. When I try to talk to old friends- who knew me before, during and after Dan- tell me to get over it, since I knew it was coming I should be fine, right? They mean well, but its not particularly helpful. I'm going to lose all my new friends if I can't get a grip on...myself. Everything. No one wants to fix a near-stranger and it's not their job. They have lives and relationships and...entire ways of existing that don't involve me at all. If they're not craftswo/men, they certainly don't want some project.
I just need to figure out how to get ahold of myself. My new job is supposed to start in two weeks, which should help. I just hope I don't drive everyone away before then.
Damn, what is my problem?
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
American History Museum Day: Everything I'd Gained
Today I played adventurer. Although the weather was as perfect as its been since I moved here, the day started roughly. Since I'm an American and public historian, I decided it was finally time to visit the National Museum of American History (NMAH). On the way there though, I almost lost it. I was seconds away from sobbing in front of the Ronald Reagan Building and International Trade Center. You know, because I just get so choked up when I hear/see Reagan's name. Kidding! It was in that moment, surrounded by beautiful Romanesque architecture when every emotion I've felt since moving here hit me all at once.
I had a moment for everything I'd lost and a moment toasting everything I'd gained.
I had a moment for everything I'd lost and a moment toasting everything I'd gained.
Everything I'd lost and everything I'd gained.
Although this experience had little to do with the rest of my exploring, it felt revelatory and it sets the scene, I guess, for my solo adventures. If I hadn't uprooted myself, it would be nearly impossible to have the wonderful day I had today, at the very least.
I had really low expectations for the NMAH, I'll admit this up front. As a rule, I try not to set high expectations- but also, I was a little underwhelmed by parts of the National Zoo and the National Museum of American History. Some of the exhibits in both haven't been updated in decades. I feared the same would be true of the NMAH. It's not as if these fields are stagnant- we find new thing and create new interpretations of the past every day- it's just that these enterprises receive less funding than other, more glamorous (and more explode-y) sectors of the economy.
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