But Really, What am I doing with my life?

Alright, I'm resigned to the fact that I'll be walking dogs for a while.  I haven't been aggressively filling out job applications.  After walking my first round of dogs on Friday, I realized that I:

1. really love dogs and miss having woofs in my life.
2. like being outside and exploring the city.
3. have a lot of flexibility and freedom as an independent contractor.
4. actually have more responsibility- what with holding onto a ton of house keys and being responsible for people's pets and houses and whatnot.

Instead of pining for a museum job I might never get (damn you economy!), I am turning my attention to trips.  I have been dying to go to Sri Lanka to visit my friend Chath from the amazing GENOCIDE SHRINES, so hell with it.  I'm planning.  And Europe in the summer?  WHY NOT I ASK.  I need to travel.
I need inspiration.  I need to do something with my life.

My ex told me once that I "expect too much out of life" and that most people "just go to work, go home and do stuff occasionally." Certainly in the meh economy, this is doubly true.  But what does it hurt to horde my money and blow it on a few well-planned and much needed trips?  One can learn so much from travelling- about new foods, new cultures, new experiences...

I just need to write.  I need to fuel my desire to write.  Stories swirl in my brain, but I have little motivation to commit them to paper (or e-paper).  Writing remains my only skill.  Failing at art, music and sports, words are the only medium I can manipulate to evoke some sort of feeling.  Even in my academic writing, voice is my strong suit.  But this is all I have.  Even as a historian, my strongest suit wasn't research or theory, it was twisting words to suit my purpose, breaking down theory and rebuilding it much more simply.  Joan Scott, Evelyn Brooks Higginbotham, your theories- love them though I do- I simplified them.  Sorry.  (Not sorry.)

But where does this leave me?  Publishing is changing.  Writing is changing. More freelance, more saturation, more...self-promotion.  It's rough out there for everyone.  (Especially in the two fields I am decent at, ya jerks.)  As I strolled through the National Portrait Gallery today, examining galleries of new artists, I was reminded that nothing I could ever create would hang on a wall, somewhere, admired by thousands a day.  Even if I could link enough words for a book, it doubtlessly would remain unpublished and unread.  Who needs another coming-of-age heartwarming teen story?  

I'd just like someone from the future to swoop in and say "no no, it's all going to be ok.  Don't worry about a thing."

Working Hard, Enough

I start a new job as a dog walker.  I'm starting by taking someone's route for a month while she is working in another city with her start up.  There was so much wrong with my old job...I can't even begin to describe all the problems.  I can't describe the relief I felt when I left.  My last day was magical.  There's a handful of people I miss but...

I ultimately left so I could focus more on my magazine, have a more flexible schedule and be happier overall. My original job seemed like a networking paradise, but it turned out not to be.  Even though it's hot, I'm looking forward to spending some time outside with a dog every day.

I don't know where to start.  I never thought I'd work so hard in school...to be in a position where dog walking felt like a major step up in terms of happiness.  Moneywise...maybe not, but definitely sanity.
I worked so hard for my MA.  I worked hard for my BAs.  I didn't see myself as a curator right away, but I definitely saw myself as working a steady, full time job.

I also didn't see myself as being such a lazy flop.  I like working on my magazine, but right now I'm lacking any kind of guidance.  I still want to do stuff- learn Spanish/relearn reading, play bass, work on more music writing.  Shit, any kind of writing.  But it's like I...If I'm not going 100 mph with set goals, I am not going anywhere.

I need to make a schedule and stick to it.  Hopefully after this month, when I get my own dog walking clients in my own neighborhood, I can make a schedule and stick to it.  It's just a lot harder without goals.

The most frustrating part though, it that I worked so hard and it didn't matter.  The economy has dealt my profession a blow it might not recover from for quite some time.  We as a society have decided that we value arts and humanities- including history- less than we value STEM fields.  STEM is rad, and arts and humanities can teach students how to express themselves in writing, to evaluate sources, think critically...I'd like to think we also value these skills.  Although maybe we value the dollar more- STEM careers are just more in demand.  And those jobs got hit much less by the sequester.

*sigh*  At least I'll have more freedom.  I think I'll finally take my trip to Sri Lanka.  I'll work the metal cruise again.  I'll try to set some goals.  Get some things done.  Try to fight this brain atrophy.  Try to stop being my own biggest critic.  Stop trying to paint my future as bleak and sad.

Bursting with Pride for Girlhood and Humankind...

I could burst.  I can't stop smiling and a single tear rolls down my face every now and again.

Seriously, girls of the world are showing off how incredibly AMAZING they are.  TEEN GIRLS.  They receive a lot of flack for being...well, for being teenage and girls.  But today, two amazing teen girls showed the world how incredibly brave, wonderful and powerful teen girl voices can be.

http://www.sfgate.com/news/education/article/Malala-celebrates-16th-birthday-with-UN-address-4661150.php

Today, sixteen year old Malala Yousafzai gave a powerful and poignant speech about a child's right to education.  Surely many teens believe in access to education, but Malala- if you can recall- was shot by the Taliban for going to school.  Instead of hiding in fear, she delivers a beautiful, peaceful and moving speech to the UN.  On her birthday.  The UN declared it Malala Day.

http://www.upworthy.com/if-they-think-they-can-silence-this-female-rapper-just-look-at-what-she-does-to-defy-them?c=mrp1

In the face of death threats, Sosan Firooz, Afghanistan's first female rapper, presses on.  With the support of her father, she continues to rap and perform.  Despite family members disowning her, despite the fear of bodily injury or death, Sosan continues to stand up for herself, for girls and for self-expression.  She wants to help her family and eventually break into the international music scene.

I have never been more proud of teen girls.  Amazing and inspiring young women are the reason I started my own business- a teen girl empowerment magazine.  My heart could literally burst with pride and happiness and hope for the future.

Secondly- unfortunately a friend's mother needs a kidney transplant.  Luckily she found a match, a close friend.   However, even with insurance, the procedure (and medicine and recovery and other expenses) is costly.  My friend, Mitch, is trying to raise money to help cover the costs.  In one night, ONE NIGHT, they raised $8,000. He's so loved, and the world is wonderful for helping him out.  Some friends even made special shirts to sell.