Conflicting Feelings

My life has changed radically.  I'm living just outside DC now, in a tiny mini-city.  I live in a high-ride building, which is like living in a fancy hotel.

Everything is different.  It feels so temporary.  It's strange no longer being with my boyfriend.  We're still talking and I'm sure we'll talk quite a bit until he goes on tour in Europe.  The temporary feeling of the high-rise only compounds the strangeness.  I forget for moments that I actually live here now.  That I am looking for jobs here.  That I have bought tickets to concerts here in the future.  In those moments, I wait for him to come through the door before I remember that he decided not to come.  It's a type of sadness I've never known.

I thought I'd be a crying mess, but I'm not.  Maybe it's because the whole move seems surreal.  My sadness is more deep-seated and permanent.  Crying resolves things.  This cannot be resolved.

Simultaneously, I couldn't be more thrilled to be here.  I applied to a handful of jobs and volunteer positions that were all directly related to my field.  (Except one, where I inquired at a doggy daycare.  I love pups.)  These opportunities were completely lacking in Florida, there is no doubt about that.  Even the unpaid positions were amazing- exhibits tour guide at the Smithsonian?  Tour guide for a hostel?  There were NO opportunities like that in Florida, and if one came up they were highly competitive with no room for advancement and little networking within the industry.   So for all of this, I am excited.  I am excited to start my new business here, to explore this bustling and huge metropolis, to see the incredible surrounding areas.

The first week was rough.  My mom helped me move and get settled in.  She discovered she had a gnarly triple or quadruple infection.  She lovingly gave me some of her germs and we both found ourselves in a walk-in clinic, being prescribed a course of antibiotics (yuck).  I spent today, the most beautiful day so far, laying on my air mattress (because my furniture is lost in the Rooms to Go abyss) watching junk TV and barely moving a muscle.  I went to the grocery store during rush hour and some crazy lady almost ran me over with her scooter.  If I could have picked any first week, this certainly was not it.

I don't doubt for a second that I made the right choice.  I did.  But the weight of the sadness can be too much in some quiet moments.