...

i really feel like ive hit rock bottom.

dc was supposed to be a whole new start- new career, new opportunities, new life.  .  instead, in the face of neverending economic recession, i've decided to take my seven years of education and start my own business.  except even that is moving slow as molasses.  there are too many people to count on, and when one mysteriously stops, the whole process screeches to a halt.  i miss when i literally controlled every aspect of my work.  i don't miss the stress of grad school or thesis, but i miss my work ethic.  i miss my drive.  i miss not having to count on any single person.  that was nice.

i find myself longing for my old life, a life i can't have back. i lived with my closest friends and my amazing boyfriend.  we all spent a lot of time together.  they drove me nuts and i returned the favor.  but i loved them.  id like to believe everything was rosy and perfect there, but it wasn't.  outside of the safety of our old yellow house, i was still an outsider.  i think maybe...three people came to my going away dinner.  i invited close to 50 local people.  but that mattered less because i had my house.

here i have nothing.  i have a menial low low paying job.  i'm trying to be ok with this.  i like the idea of being able to travel off and on over the next year .  woo, indepedent contractor!  i don't like that i am working like 15 days in a row...but hey MONEY IS MONEY RIGHT.  besides, once this girl comes back from chicago, i give her back her route and i have...nothing again.

i dont even know where i was going with this.

sorry.